And you'd like that tattoo where, Madam?

I knew I was going to have a tattoo before I started radiotherapy, so that the people with the ray guns would know where to attack.

Given where the cancer is, I thought the tattoo was going to be in a place that meant I would only be able to show it off if I:

1. learned to twerk in downward dog pose;
2. went clubbing;
3. with my pants off,

and that the tattooing process was going to be eye-watering.

It turned out that none of this was true. I am relieved and yet saddened by this loss of anticipated comic material. I have a tattoo at the top of each thigh and one, um, about half way between the two, on my [insert euphemism of choice]. They're not even interesting tattoos. I was hoping for Japanese symbols that I thought meant "serenity" but actually meant "wanker". They're just dots.

So, apart from the palaver of trying to get a cannula into me - nurse #1 failed and nurse #2 entered the room to find me furiously doing press-ups in an attempt to make my veins pop up - my CT scan and tattooing were unremarkable.

Radiotherapy starts on 13 February. It's all starting to feel a bit real now.