Sunday, 21 October 2012

How I lost my faith (3)

My first year at university was cut short by poor health.  By Easter, I was showing symptoms of end-stage renal failure and was unable to return for summer term.

Both my parents had already been tested as potential kidney donors.  Between them, they decided my dad should go first.  (I know, I have wonderful parents.  I'm very lucky.)

We both underwent tests; I received a blood transfusion from him; the labs analysed our tissue and blood to make sure there were no signs that we shouldn't go ahead.

Shortly before we were scheduled for surgery, the hospital called.  There were unusual antibodies in my blood that were reacting with my father's cells.  The operation couldn't go ahead as long as those antibodies remained.  The doctors had never seen these antibodies before, so they didn't know how long I'd have them.  The operation was postponed indefinitely.

For the first time, I felt angry with God.  I trashed my bedroom. ( My mum was pleased by this - she'd been worried about my lack of emotion over my illness and felt the outburst was healthy.)  I dragged my oh-so-easily-exhausted body up to the hills near my parents house and cried.  I screamed at God.  What the hell was he doing?

The antibodies were thankfully short-lived; as a result, so was the drama.  My anger subsided.  In July 1990, I had my first transplant from my dad and returned to university for my second year.

My body accepted the kidney.

By my final year, I had become a complete Jesus freak.  Apparently I was still likeable enough but, as a good friend told me years later, there were times when I was annoying and - to quote her directly - "I wanted to shove your prayer stool up your nose".

Although I was studying Italian, I spent a lot of time at university playing classical guitar, singing jazz and writing songs.  I was convinced that God wanted me to be a musician/entertainer.  Shortly before my course finished, I met a promoter from York who said he'd help me out if I wanted to work there.

I graduated, spent the summer at various Christian events and moved over to York with my guitar.


  1. Thank you for sharing this - I look forward to hearing more. x

    1. Good to hear from you. How are things? I'm trundling along. x

  2. Hi Im good thanks. Hope you are ok? Friday is the final day I guess? Are you going to continue to pray? I will continue to pray for you! I have found the whole prayer experiment really interesting xx

    1. Yes, it'll be done on Friday. I'll continue with the gratitude, contemplation and meditation but not the prayer.

      I'm doing well. Even though I don't believe in God, I am touched that you are praying for me, despite not knowing me.

      All the very best to you! x

  3. All the best to you too McGingersnap! I will continue to pray for you - I have found your story so very interesting and thank you so much for sharing - I do hope you will continue to keep your blog going?!
    I really hope that you do one day find your faith again. I pray God will bless you and your amazing family. x