Day 12 was another perfunctory affair.
Today, I waited until I was a little more awake. I find it easier to concentrate if I'm not on the verge of losing consciousness!
I began with the usual: thanks and a prayer for revelation.
On the Facebook page for the Atheist Prayer Experiment, a number of Christians have suggested that the participating atheists try repenting, or at least asking God to help them with personal problems.
I've resisted the repentance aspect, because it is so tied in with a particular brand of theism, whereas my aim in this experiment is to invite anything that thinks it fits the word "god" to show itself to me. Also, there are bad habits that I'm quite attached to. I'm not proud of being attached to them, but I am. Even worse, I'm attached to being attached to them. I don't even want to want to change.
That said, there are of course parts of my life I'd like to change.
While I was on my knees, I thought of several things. The main thing I'd like to change is my energy levels. I work two days a week and struggle even to do that. I often end up working from home because I'm ill, run down or otherwise exhausted. As I prayed, a part of me wondered if I sometimes use this as an excuse. Then another part of me piped up: "Stop giving yourself such a hard time - you're on immunosuppressant medication and your body has been through a lot". Then a third part said, "Would you stop over-analysing and get your head out of your arse?" - which is probably what you're thinking, dear reader.
This links back to my last autobiographical post about hoping to change things which, frankly, it would be wiser for me to accept and accommodate. There's that old prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
That third part is a bugger.
I don't know how to handle my lack of energy. I don't know whether or not it's something I can change. I'd like whatever it is I'm talking to - be it God, a wise part of me, whatever - to help me with that.